Ok so here it is, my account of the first time I was sectioned.
It wasn’t out of the blue, I had planned to kill myself and had the perfect alibi in order to help any grief anyone may feel.
It was results day and I knew I would have failed therefore everybody would believe I was upset from that. However they wouldn’t have been further from the truth. The truth was I couldn’t deal with life anymore. I wasn’t normal, nothing felt real, everyone around me seemed to be dying and I felt like the reason why. I didn’t care about anything anymore.
So results day. I got to my old school an hour or so early and smoked a few joints before picking up my results. I had fallen out with my friends a few months previously for no reason, I just have moments where I hate everyone and everything but this one had lasted a very long time. Seeing them was hard, nobody spoke to me or acknowledged me even. My results were what I had expected. Straight U’s. I chatted to a few teachers to thank them for the effort they had put into me sitting the exams and apologized for letting them down. I knew now that nothing else mattered but leaving this world.
I got in my car and drove to the top story of a car park I had checked out in the previous week. I was crying my eyes out and my thoughts were racing. I was scared, really scared but I knew it had to be done. I put on a hoodie and put my hood up as I parked on the top floor. Nobody was up there apart from a few council vans so I knew I wouldn’t be disturbed. I got out my car and walked over to the edge. I looked down. I could see people going about their business and even some with children. I knew whatever my actions were they would impact anyone that saw for the rest of their life so I waited until there wasn’t anybody about. I climbed onto the edge with my feet dangling off and prepared myself. Just then the door to the staircase opened and a woman came out and walked to one of the vans. I thought thats it shes going to stop me but then nothing. I heard the van start up and drive off. To this day I don’t know how someone could do that, to see another human being at that point and just drive away. I try and tell myself she didn’t see me but she must have. I focused my thoughts back on the ground below. Every bad thing that had ever happened to me seemed like nothing now. I knew it would be over soon. But still I sat there. I must of sat there for about 45 minutes watching the people below, thoughts racing before a voice made me jump. I turned around to see a man in a suit a few metres away. I quickly turned back to facing the ground. He spoke to me and said he was from the police. He said he worked in a probation office opposite and some members of his staff had seen me sat there and became concerned. He asked if i would like to see his badge. I remained staring at the ground below. He asked me my name but still I said nothing. I didn’t know what to do. He then walked away and I thought thats it he’s gone. I glanced back to see where he was going and saw him on the phone. He then returned and continued trying to find out what was wrong, what I was doing up here and who i was. I remained silent. About 5 minutes went by and then he said to me, would you like to speak to a different officer or a female? I was confused so turned around and saw two plain clothed female officers and two male officers in uniform behind me. They had parked their car on the floor below so I did not hear them arrive. I started panicking now. What had I done, what do I do. A young police officer then came over and started talking to me. He too was asking my name and what I was doing. I remained silent. I had my sleeves pulled over my hands and so they asked me to roll them up to show I didnt have a weapon. I ignored them. He then asked again almost aggressively so I rolled them up. He told me if I dont tell him my name he was going to arrest me. I was really panicking now, what the fuck was I going to do? He then said it again and I still remained silent. Before I knew it he grabbed me off the wall and handcuffed me behind my back. I started talking then and told him my name and begged him to un-cuff me. He told me he couldn’t and that I had been placed under section 136 of the mental health act. I knew everything was out my control now. The female officers then walked me down to their car and searched me. They took my phone and car key off me. I hadn’t taken the cannabis out the car because I thought I would be dead so it wouldn’t matter. It wasn’t even hidden. Two other officers then went and searched my car to find any ID. Meanwhile in the back of the police car my phone started ringing. It was my sister. I hadn’t text her or told her anything but the police answered the phone even with my shouting and screaming not to. They told her I was detained in a police car but I was safe and well. That was all they said. I knew I had to spin a story to my sister now as I couldnt have her find out. The police drove me up to the local mental health secure unit where i was taken to their ‘place of safety’. I heard that cannabis had been found through their radio. My heart sank. The police were friendly about it really though and asked if it helped and I said yes. They said at some point they will have to issue me with a cannabis warning but just dont get caught with it again. They know people smoke it and seem quite cool with it really. Anyway in the place of safety the two female officers and the young male sat with me and chatted. They wouldnt let me have my phone or any of my belongings. Whilst chatting to the female it came to our attention that we shared a close mutual friend which made the situation even more unbearable. I can’t fault them for the behaviour though, they were nice people and i think they grew to know me a little more than just the suicidal female. They stayed with me for the 5 hours until the AMHP and psychiatrists arrived to give me my assessment.
The assessment didn’t take long really, you just have to know the right things to say to prove your not insane. It had to be done though and about half an hour after they allowed me to leave. The offered me a bed as a voluntarily in-patient but i declined. A taxi was booked for me to my car which had been taken to the police station where I went to retrieve it.
To be continued….(the cannabis warning, the second time I was sectioned and the suspension of my job)
Forever A Lost Girl 