Okay so as promised I’m going to tell you about the second time I was sectioned. It came merely two weeks after the first time. I found it a slightly better experience maybe because I knew what was happening or not.
This wasn’t as planned as the first time. I woke up that morning and knew something was right. I can’t explain what it was but every part of me wanted to die. The realization that nothing was going to get better, nobody cared for me and my future had been ruined but my own mistakes had taken over. I got in my car and drove to some woods about 35 minutes from where I live. I had been there for a bike ride for enrichment week and passed several viaducts on the way. The scenery there is beautiful and below the viaduct lies fields and rivers.
It was pouring with rain that day so I knew not many people would be out. I parked my car and walked out along the path towards the viaduct. Once there I climbed up onto the edge and sat down. I sat there and sat there and sat there. How do you know when is the right time to jump? That’s all I kept asking myself. Tears were streaming down my face as I contemplated. Something in me knew this wasn’t right though. I got my phone out of my pocket and dialled 999. I was put through to the police. I didn’t know what to say to them. They were asking if I was okay, what was wrong, what’s the emergency. I thought to myself don’t be so fucking stupid there’s people out there who really need this number don’t waste their time. So I said to the operator, I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t mean to waste your time. And then hung up the phone. Just then my phone rang. It was one of my friends wanting to know if i wanted to go to the cinema. Unbeknown to them where I was and what I was going to do I accepted the offer and went to meet them.
During the film my phone rang. It came up as ‘No Caller ID’ and from my past experience that is normally the police! I quietly answered and the lady speaking said she was from the Police and was just checking that I was ok. I rang out the cinema and continued the conversation. I told her I was fine. She asked what happened and that I still didn’t sound right. I said i’d just had a bad day but was okay now. She asked why? I told her i’d been on a viaduct considering jumping off. She asked where I was and I said at the cinema with friends but i’m okay now. She seemed satisfied so the conversation ended.
After the film and I’d said goodbye to my friends I got in my car. I still felt awful. I couldn’t shake the feeling in me telling me I had to kill myself. I was driving home and went across the bridge I always go across to get home. It is a known suicide spot and something just clicked in me. I parked on a street near the end of the bridge and got out my car. It was about 1am by now. I walked along the bridge which had street lights on the pedestrians side. I walked to the middle and looked down. I looked at the boats below and it happened to be the same place where I sailed with my friend for the last time before he was killed. I stood there and listened to the few cars that drove past and stared at the calm water below. I started to climb over the barrier but it was pretty high and I kept slipping down. I got frustrated and started kicking it. I sat down on the pavement and started crying. What was my life anymore. Its 1am and here I am on a bridge about to throw myself off. Nobody has a clue.
Again something in me, the part that wanted to live told me I was wrong. That my family would care and I would destroy them. If not my family, my friends. I have good friends and I know they care about me a lot. I dialed 999 again but this time I didn’t hesitate. I told them I’m on the bridge and I’m thinking of jumping off. The operator said she would dispatch someone to come and talk to me and the conversation ended. About 20 seconds later my phone rang again. No Caller ID. I answered. It was the police and they said they wanted me to step away from the edge. I turned around and there was no one there. He said you see that pavement behind you? Just go sit there for me please. I turned around but still no one there. He asked if i had a weapon in my hoodie pocket. I replied no. I turned around confused and saw the cctv camera pointing at me. We chatted for a while but I didn’t really say much. He was concerned as to what was wrong, why I was upset. I saw a police car pull up and a man jump out. I looked around and saw 2 other officers coming from the other end of the bridge. I hung up the phone. One of the officers climbed down over the barrier to me. He told me his name and that he was there to help. He said he had a daughter and couldnt bare it if anything happened to her and he wanted to treat everyone like that. He was nice. He spoke to me for a while before slowly leading me away from the edge. They didn’t cuff me or anything like last time. I was searched and had a police officer hold each arm to walk me off the bridge. Once in the car they didn’t really chat to me but I didn’t care. I wasn’t exactly in a wanting to talk place. Again I was taken up to the ‘place of safety’ to await assessment. I was allowed my phone while I was in there this time so played on that. I was told I would have to wait 4 hours but within an hour or so the team had arrived to carry out the assessment. Again I was discharged after a discussion with them and an agreement to see the Home Treatment Team later on and given a taxi back to my car. I returned home about 7:30am and snuck into bed, nobody knew anything.
Ok so here it is, my account of the first time I was sectioned.
It wasn’t out of the blue, I had planned to kill myself and had the perfect alibi in order to help any grief anyone may feel.
It was results day and I knew I would have failed therefore everybody would believe I was upset from that. However they wouldn’t have been further from the truth. The truth was I couldn’t deal with life anymore. I wasn’t normal, nothing felt real, everyone around me seemed to be dying and I felt like the reason why. I didn’t care about anything anymore.
So results day. I got to my old school an hour or so early and smoked a few joints before picking up my results. I had fallen out with my friends a few months previously for no reason, I just have moments where I hate everyone and everything but this one had lasted a very long time. Seeing them was hard, nobody spoke to me or acknowledged me even. My results were what I had expected. Straight U’s. I chatted to a few teachers to thank them for the effort they had put into me sitting the exams and apologized for letting them down. I knew now that nothing else mattered but leaving this world.
I got in my car and drove to the top story of a car park I had checked out in the previous week. I was crying my eyes out and my thoughts were racing. I was scared, really scared but I knew it had to be done. I put on a hoodie and put my hood up as I parked on the top floor. Nobody was up there apart from a few council vans so I knew I wouldn’t be disturbed. I got out my car and walked over to the edge. I looked down. I could see people going about their business and even some with children. I knew whatever my actions were they would impact anyone that saw for the rest of their life so I waited until there wasn’t anybody about. I climbed onto the edge with my feet dangling off and prepared myself. Just then the door to the staircase opened and a woman came out and walked to one of the vans. I thought thats it shes going to stop me but then nothing. I heard the van start up and drive off. To this day I don’t know how someone could do that, to see another human being at that point and just drive away. I try and tell myself she didn’t see me but she must have. I focused my thoughts back on the ground below. Every bad thing that had ever happened to me seemed like nothing now. I knew it would be over soon. But still I sat there. I must of sat there for about 45 minutes watching the people below, thoughts racing before a voice made me jump. I turned around to see a man in a suit a few metres away. I quickly turned back to facing the ground. He spoke to me and said he was from the police. He said he worked in a probation office opposite and some members of his staff had seen me sat there and became concerned. He asked if i would like to see his badge. I remained staring at the ground below. He asked me my name but still I said nothing. I didn’t know what to do. He then walked away and I thought thats it he’s gone. I glanced back to see where he was going and saw him on the phone. He then returned and continued trying to find out what was wrong, what I was doing up here and who i was. I remained silent. About 5 minutes went by and then he said to me, would you like to speak to a different officer or a female? I was confused so turned around and saw two plain clothed female officers and two male officers in uniform behind me. They had parked their car on the floor below so I did not hear them arrive. I started panicking now. What had I done, what do I do. A young police officer then came over and started talking to me. He too was asking my name and what I was doing. I remained silent. I had my sleeves pulled over my hands and so they asked me to roll them up to show I didnt have a weapon. I ignored them. He then asked again almost aggressively so I rolled them up. He told me if I dont tell him my name he was going to arrest me. I was really panicking now, what the fuck was I going to do? He then said it again and I still remained silent. Before I knew it he grabbed me off the wall and handcuffed me behind my back. I started talking then and told him my name and begged him to un-cuff me. He told me he couldn’t and that I had been placed under section 136 of the mental health act. I knew everything was out my control now. The female officers then walked me down to their car and searched me. They took my phone and car key off me. I hadn’t taken the cannabis out the car because I thought I would be dead so it wouldn’t matter. It wasn’t even hidden. Two other officers then went and searched my car to find any ID. Meanwhile in the back of the police car my phone started ringing. It was my sister. I hadn’t text her or told her anything but the police answered the phone even with my shouting and screaming not to. They told her I was detained in a police car but I was safe and well. That was all they said. I knew I had to spin a story to my sister now as I couldnt have her find out. The police drove me up to the local mental health secure unit where i was taken to their ‘place of safety’. I heard that cannabis had been found through their radio. My heart sank. The police were friendly about it really though and asked if it helped and I said yes. They said at some point they will have to issue me with a cannabis warning but just dont get caught with it again. They know people smoke it and seem quite cool with it really. Anyway in the place of safety the two female officers and the young male sat with me and chatted. They wouldnt let me have my phone or any of my belongings. Whilst chatting to the female it came to our attention that we shared a close mutual friend which made the situation even more unbearable. I can’t fault them for the behaviour though, they were nice people and i think they grew to know me a little more than just the suicidal female. They stayed with me for the 5 hours until the AMHP and psychiatrists arrived to give me my assessment.
The assessment didn’t take long really, you just have to know the right things to say to prove your not insane. It had to be done though and about half an hour after they allowed me to leave. The offered me a bed as a voluntarily in-patient but i declined. A taxi was booked for me to my car which had been taken to the police station where I went to retrieve it.
To be continued….(the cannabis warning, the second time I was sectioned and the suspension of my job)
Okay, so it’s been a very long time since I last posted. Things have changed, lots. But for the better I do not know. First of all I’ll do a quick summary of things that have happened and where I am now.
Last week I moved out of home. This was an enormous step for me for any of you that have read my previous posts.
I have finished sixth form and now work in a Secondary school as a PE apprentice. However I am currently on ‘medical leave’ as they call it. I do not know when they will let me return, I have been on leave for 4 weeks now.
In August I was sectioned twice. Only a handful of people know about this, none of which are my family. I was also issued with a cannabis warning from the police.
I believe my mental state to be worse than ever, I have no concept of who I am anymore or what is real. But in order to get my job back I have to pretend everything is ok.
I am going to try and post more frequently again, starting with my sectioning and what happened and how I was treated. Any comments or experience anyone else has had would be much appreciated as I am very alone and new to everything.
Firstly I know I haven’t posted in a long long time but I will update tomorrow. What I need to know is if there is anyone out there diagnosed with Complex Trauma or maybe under the name Complex PTSD (CPTSD), if there is I need your help. Can it be cured? Does it get easier and can you live with it? I’m really struggling..
So much has happened in the past month, all terrible. I don’t even have the mental strength to blog anymore, I don’t see the point. I don’t care anymore. Life’s meaningless, upsetting and then you die. I need to be out of reach of all the mess that happens to me day in, day out. Let the days blur as one and be forever shining, no more darkness.
I will blog tomorrow.
I met up with the guy I posted about that had sex with me at the party. He told me we needed to talk in person. He had broken up with his girlfriend. He said he needed to put right what he did to hurt me.
He told me today how he lives off Job Seekers, in his own flat, he lies in bed playing PS3 all day and drinks. He deals drugs. Without sounding snobby this is the complete opposite to anyone I would ever date. He was telling me he was suicidal last night and I needed to kiss him to make him feel some happiness. We went to the cinema, he bought my ticket and drink and I actually had a bit of fun. Afterwards he said he needed to call in at his Dad’s house. When we got there his Dad was out but he told me to come inside anyway because it was warmer. I did go in, I had no reason to be suspicious and I was freezing. We went upstairs. I sat on the floor leaning against the wall but he told me to go and sit on the bed. I did but I lay down because of my back injury. He came over and got on top of me suddenly. He started kissing me and I reciprocated because it felt okay at the time. He then started taking his top off. I asked what he was doing, I don’t want to have sex, he said it’s fine don’t worry I’m just hot. He started kissing me again and then he tried to take my clothes off. I told him I didn’t want to. He asked why? Was I insecure? I said yes (I have self harm all over my upperbody) He pinned me down and looked me in the eye and said I need to take them off, I need to ‘come out of my shell’ and let him see me. I looked away and he shouted at me to look at him. He took my jeans off and top but I managed to grab my t-shirt. I told him again I didn’t want to have sex but he said it’s okay he wasn’t going to. He was still kissing me and doing other things at this point. He then took his boxers off, it was then I knew he wasn’t going to keep his promise. He asked me if I minded, I said I don’t want to have sex. I should have just said NO. I don’t want to go into much more detail but after that it happened fast. I didn’t get a chance to stop him. He wasn’t using protection again either. I’m not on the pill or anything. Did I do something wrong? He told me I wasn’t worth loving if we didn’t have sex again. I deserved this. I should have stopped him sooner.
Since we first had sex on Thursday, I haven’t been able to sleep in my bed. I’ve been waking up in panic in the middle of the night searching for him next to me and scrambling onto the floor to hide. I have to sit on the floor in a ball until I’ve calmed down. This has happened nearly every night, I fear what is to come tonight. What do I do?
I fell today real hard. Only about 10ft down but I landed on my back and smashed my pelvis. I am in intense pain right now but don’t know if I should go to A & E. I can walk but only just. Moving, sitting and lying are almost impossible. It’s probably nothing just bruised but it hurts so bad. I guess I should just man up and see how it is tomorrow. I’ll update if I go to hospital. Hospitals are bad for me, that’s why I’m reluctant to go.
Last night I went to a party. I use alcohol as an escape anyway but this was just an excuse to get smashed. If I had known what was going to happen I would never have drunk.
I had the best part of a bottle of vodka and bottle of Jaeger all before 11pm. It started off good and I was enjoying myself, and just generally being a drunken teenager. But then the alcohol got a hold of me. I apparently had a fit in the kitchen and collapsed so a guy carried me onto the sofa. He looked after me. We talked for ages. He told me his mum committed suicide when he was 9. He’s schizophrenic. I told him about me, how I tried to kill myself and just lots of personal things. I had no control over myself. I think alot of people probably heard everything I said, but right then I didn’t care. My friend also found out I self harm, because I refused to take my blazer off. Thank god I didn’t but I don’t know what to do now she knows. Anyway things progressed with this guy and we started kissing. He said he would look after me, and nothing mattered as long as I was okay. I kept drinking. At about 1am, my friends made me go to bed, I had already passed out several times at this point. The guy I was with said he’d take me up. We went upstairs and started making out on the bed. Things quickly progressed and before I knew it we were both naked. I still had no idea what I was doing, or who he was.
I never imagined I would loose my virginity that way. I was completely smashed and we didn’t use protection. I don’t need anyone to tell me how stupid it was. What am I now, a dirty slag. He kept going even though I wanted to stop. I don’t know what to do now. I could be pregnant? I could have caught anything. I slept with him all night. When I got home I also found out he has a girlfriend. This means I’m a bigger slut than I thought. I’m a mess now. And ridiculously hung over. I’m so fucking stupid. I thought it would make me feel something, anything. Now I can never get that night back. Your first time is meant to be special, with someone you love and trust. And there was me, drunk and shagging a guy who I didn’t know without using protection. It served me right, I deserved it. I hate myself so much. This was one mistake too many, I can’t do it, I don’t know what to do. What the fuck have I done.
Today I overdosed. It wasn’t a suicide attempt. It was in an attempt to feel something. I took a lot of Oxazempam and about 15 Co-codemal. Seperately they both give me a buzz or normal feeling at least and normally taking the co-codemal is fine, infact I normally take 20-25. But it must have reacted with the Oxazepam or something.
I got sent out of second lesson after being asked numerous times if I was okay and I said I was fine. In the end my teacher came over and told me to go and have a sleep because I really didn’t look good. I just felt high tbh. I remained like that all day, chatty and then depressed then chatty. But it was on the bus on the way home the nausea hit. I thought I was just feeling a bit icky. But suddenly I projectile vomited across the bus. All over my clothes and people around me. And again, and again. I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully it was nearly my stop so I got off as quick as I could.
I came straight home and chucked my clothes in the wash and had a bath. I still felt really sick in the bath but was okay lying down. As I got out the bath I had to make a sprint for the toilet as I puked 7 more times until nothing was left.
I presume vomiting it a good sign but this wasn’t a suicide attempt. I wouldn’t even try trying to kill myself on such pathetic tablets. But truth be said I feel horrific right now. I don’t really know where to go from here..take some zopiclone and sleep it off I suppose?
I just found what seems to be a suicide note my sister has written. She’s out at work at the moment and I found it in her room. I’ve taken a photo of it so she won’t know I’ve seen it. I don’t know what the hell to do. She’s 19. She says in it that I hate her. How she cries herself to sleep each night. She asks what is the point in life? It’s about 3 pages long.
I know she isn’t that happy, who can be in our broken home, but this is a step further for me. I don’t know what the hell to do. Please if anyone has any advice or information on what I should do please help. I can’t let anything to happen to her.