Drunken Sex.

Last night I went to a party. I use alcohol as an escape anyway but this was just an excuse to get smashed. If I had known what was going to happen I would never have drunk. 

I had the best part of a bottle of vodka and bottle of Jaeger all before 11pm. It started off good and I was enjoying myself, and just generally being a drunken teenager. But then the alcohol got a hold of me. I apparently had a fit in the kitchen and collapsed so a guy carried me onto the sofa. He looked after me. We talked for ages. He told me his mum committed suicide when he was 9. He’s schizophrenic. I told him about me, how I tried to kill myself and just lots of personal things. I had no control over myself. I think alot of people probably heard everything I said, but right then I didn’t care. My friend also found out I self harm, because I refused to take my blazer off. Thank god I didn’t but I don’t know what to do now she knows. Anyway things progressed with this guy and we started kissing. He said he would look after me, and nothing mattered as long as I was okay. I kept drinking. At about 1am, my friends made me go to bed, I had already passed out several times at this point. The guy I was with said he’d take me up. We went upstairs and started making out on the bed. Things quickly progressed and before I knew it we were both naked. I still had no idea what I was doing, or who he was. 

I never imagined I would loose my virginity that way. I was completely smashed and we didn’t use protection. I don’t need anyone to tell me how stupid it was. What am I now, a dirty slag. He kept going even though I wanted to stop. I don’t know what to do now. I could be pregnant? I could have caught anything. I slept with him all night. When I got home I also found out he has a girlfriend. This means I’m a bigger slut than I thought. I’m a mess now. And ridiculously hung over. I’m so fucking stupid. I thought it would make me feel something, anything. Now I can never get that night back. Your first time is meant to be special, with someone you love and trust. And there was me, drunk and shagging a guy who I didn’t know without using protection. It served me right, I deserved it. I hate myself so much. This was one mistake too many, I can’t do it, I don’t know what to do. What the fuck have I done.