I met up with the guy I posted about that had sex with me at the party. He told me we needed to talk in person. He had broken up with his girlfriend. He said he needed to put right what he did to hurt me.
He told me today how he lives off Job Seekers, in his own flat, he lies in bed playing PS3 all day and drinks. He deals drugs. Without sounding snobby this is the complete opposite to anyone I would ever date. He was telling me he was suicidal last night and I needed to kiss him to make him feel some happiness. We went to the cinema, he bought my ticket and drink and I actually had a bit of fun. Afterwards he said he needed to call in at his Dad’s house. When we got there his Dad was out but he told me to come inside anyway because it was warmer. I did go in, I had no reason to be suspicious and I was freezing. We went upstairs. I sat on the floor leaning against the wall but he told me to go and sit on the bed. I did but I lay down because of my back injury. He came over and got on top of me suddenly. He started kissing me and I reciprocated because it felt okay at the time. He then started taking his top off. I asked what he was doing, I don’t want to have sex, he said it’s fine don’t worry I’m just hot. He started kissing me again and then he tried to take my clothes off. I told him I didn’t want to. He asked why? Was I insecure? I said yes (I have self harm all over my upperbody) He pinned me down and looked me in the eye and said I need to take them off, I need to ‘come out of my shell’ and let him see me. I looked away and he shouted at me to look at him. He took my jeans off and top but I managed to grab my t-shirt. I told him again I didn’t want to have sex but he said it’s okay he wasn’t going to. He was still kissing me and doing other things at this point. He then took his boxers off, it was then I knew he wasn’t going to keep his promise. He asked me if I minded, I said I don’t want to have sex. I should have just said NO. I don’t want to go into much more detail but after that it happened fast. I didn’t get a chance to stop him. He wasn’t using protection again either. I’m not on the pill or anything. Did I do something wrong? He told me I wasn’t worth loving if we didn’t have sex again. I deserved this. I should have stopped him sooner.
Since we first had sex on Thursday, I haven’t been able to sleep in my bed. I’ve been waking up in panic in the middle of the night searching for him next to me and scrambling onto the floor to hide. I have to sit on the floor in a ball until I’ve calmed down. This has happened nearly every night, I fear what is to come tonight. What do I do?
