Firstly I know I haven’t posted in a long long time but I will update tomorrow. What I need to know is if there is anyone out there diagnosed with Complex Trauma or maybe under the name Complex PTSD (CPTSD), if there is I need your help. Can it be cured? Does it get easier and can you live with it? I’m really struggling..
So much has happened in the past month, all terrible. I don’t even have the mental strength to blog anymore, I don’t see the point. I don’t care anymore. Life’s meaningless, upsetting and then you die. I need to be out of reach of all the mess that happens to me day in, day out. Let the days blur as one and be forever shining, no more darkness.
I will blog tomorrow.
I met up with the guy I posted about that had sex with me at the party. He told me we needed to talk in person. He had broken up with his girlfriend. He said he needed to put right what he did to hurt me.
He told me today how he lives off Job Seekers, in his own flat, he lies in bed playing PS3 all day and drinks. He deals drugs. Without sounding snobby this is the complete opposite to anyone I would ever date. He was telling me he was suicidal last night and I needed to kiss him to make him feel some happiness. We went to the cinema, he bought my ticket and drink and I actually had a bit of fun. Afterwards he said he needed to call in at his Dad’s house. When we got there his Dad was out but he told me to come inside anyway because it was warmer. I did go in, I had no reason to be suspicious and I was freezing. We went upstairs. I sat on the floor leaning against the wall but he told me to go and sit on the bed. I did but I lay down because of my back injury. He came over and got on top of me suddenly. He started kissing me and I reciprocated because it felt okay at the time. He then started taking his top off. I asked what he was doing, I don’t want to have sex, he said it’s fine don’t worry I’m just hot. He started kissing me again and then he tried to take my clothes off. I told him I didn’t want to. He asked why? Was I insecure? I said yes (I have self harm all over my upperbody) He pinned me down and looked me in the eye and said I need to take them off, I need to ‘come out of my shell’ and let him see me. I looked away and he shouted at me to look at him. He took my jeans off and top but I managed to grab my t-shirt. I told him again I didn’t want to have sex but he said it’s okay he wasn’t going to. He was still kissing me and doing other things at this point. He then took his boxers off, it was then I knew he wasn’t going to keep his promise. He asked me if I minded, I said I don’t want to have sex. I should have just said NO. I don’t want to go into much more detail but after that it happened fast. I didn’t get a chance to stop him. He wasn’t using protection again either. I’m not on the pill or anything. Did I do something wrong? He told me I wasn’t worth loving if we didn’t have sex again. I deserved this. I should have stopped him sooner.
Since we first had sex on Thursday, I haven’t been able to sleep in my bed. I’ve been waking up in panic in the middle of the night searching for him next to me and scrambling onto the floor to hide. I have to sit on the floor in a ball until I’ve calmed down. This has happened nearly every night, I fear what is to come tonight. What do I do?
I fell today real hard. Only about 10ft down but I landed on my back and smashed my pelvis. I am in intense pain right now but don’t know if I should go to A & E. I can walk but only just. Moving, sitting and lying are almost impossible. It’s probably nothing just bruised but it hurts so bad. I guess I should just man up and see how it is tomorrow. I’ll update if I go to hospital. Hospitals are bad for me, that’s why I’m reluctant to go.
Last night I went to a party. I use alcohol as an escape anyway but this was just an excuse to get smashed. If I had known what was going to happen I would never have drunk.
I had the best part of a bottle of vodka and bottle of Jaeger all before 11pm. It started off good and I was enjoying myself, and just generally being a drunken teenager. But then the alcohol got a hold of me. I apparently had a fit in the kitchen and collapsed so a guy carried me onto the sofa. He looked after me. We talked for ages. He told me his mum committed suicide when he was 9. He’s schizophrenic. I told him about me, how I tried to kill myself and just lots of personal things. I had no control over myself. I think alot of people probably heard everything I said, but right then I didn’t care. My friend also found out I self harm, because I refused to take my blazer off. Thank god I didn’t but I don’t know what to do now she knows. Anyway things progressed with this guy and we started kissing. He said he would look after me, and nothing mattered as long as I was okay. I kept drinking. At about 1am, my friends made me go to bed, I had already passed out several times at this point. The guy I was with said he’d take me up. We went upstairs and started making out on the bed. Things quickly progressed and before I knew it we were both naked. I still had no idea what I was doing, or who he was.
I never imagined I would loose my virginity that way. I was completely smashed and we didn’t use protection. I don’t need anyone to tell me how stupid it was. What am I now, a dirty slag. He kept going even though I wanted to stop. I don’t know what to do now. I could be pregnant? I could have caught anything. I slept with him all night. When I got home I also found out he has a girlfriend. This means I’m a bigger slut than I thought. I’m a mess now. And ridiculously hung over. I’m so fucking stupid. I thought it would make me feel something, anything. Now I can never get that night back. Your first time is meant to be special, with someone you love and trust. And there was me, drunk and shagging a guy who I didn’t know without using protection. It served me right, I deserved it. I hate myself so much. This was one mistake too many, I can’t do it, I don’t know what to do. What the fuck have I done.
Today I overdosed. It wasn’t a suicide attempt. It was in an attempt to feel something. I took a lot of Oxazempam and about 15 Co-codemal. Seperately they both give me a buzz or normal feeling at least and normally taking the co-codemal is fine, infact I normally take 20-25. But it must have reacted with the Oxazepam or something.
I got sent out of second lesson after being asked numerous times if I was okay and I said I was fine. In the end my teacher came over and told me to go and have a sleep because I really didn’t look good. I just felt high tbh. I remained like that all day, chatty and then depressed then chatty. But it was on the bus on the way home the nausea hit. I thought I was just feeling a bit icky. But suddenly I projectile vomited across the bus. All over my clothes and people around me. And again, and again. I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully it was nearly my stop so I got off as quick as I could.
I came straight home and chucked my clothes in the wash and had a bath. I still felt really sick in the bath but was okay lying down. As I got out the bath I had to make a sprint for the toilet as I puked 7 more times until nothing was left.
I presume vomiting it a good sign but this wasn’t a suicide attempt. I wouldn’t even try trying to kill myself on such pathetic tablets. But truth be said I feel horrific right now. I don’t really know where to go from here..take some zopiclone and sleep it off I suppose?
I just found what seems to be a suicide note my sister has written. She’s out at work at the moment and I found it in her room. I’ve taken a photo of it so she won’t know I’ve seen it. I don’t know what the hell to do. She’s 19. She says in it that I hate her. How she cries herself to sleep each night. She asks what is the point in life? It’s about 3 pages long.
I know she isn’t that happy, who can be in our broken home, but this is a step further for me. I don’t know what the hell to do. Please if anyone has any advice or information on what I should do please help. I can’t let anything to happen to her.
I managed to force myself to my appointment today with my psychiatrist and psychologist. They call themselves my therapy family, probably the closest i’ll ever get to a family. I don’t remember a whole lot from the session because I was completely smashed. I wouldn’t have made it to the door if I was sober. I do remember saying to them that I don’t exist. If I didn’t have a bedroom at home there would be no trace of me in the world. I am nothing. I’ve been prescribed more zopiclone and he’s going to ring me to discuss a new anti-depressant that’s just come out, apparently it’s different to all the others out there as he knows I’ve given up on them, they just give me false hope then let me down. I was nearly in tears in the session and that never ever happens in front of people, I guess it was just the alcohol doing its thing. Not really sure where to go from here, if I feel as shit tomorrow as I do right now I’m going to ring them up. They think me feeling the intense emotions that I do is a step forward from how I’ve been, numb. I beg to differ.
I can’t take this stupid shitty excuse of a home or a life. I watch you neck the bottle and scream your going to jump off the bridge. To be honest I don’t know how much I care anymore, I’ll be gone before you will. You’ll live in pain and regret but you do already, nothings going to change while I’m still here. There’s only hate, there’s only tears, there’s only pain, there is no love here.